Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes

Abraham Lincoln No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.
Rodney Dangerfield I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people
Abraham Lincoln Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle.
Unknown Humor - the perfect relationship of the parts to the whole.
Oscar Wilde I can resist everything except temptation.
George Carlin Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
George Carlin Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
George Carlin When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Space Ghost People judge you not by the size of your feet, but by whether your socks match.
Robert Bloch The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Jay Leno Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.
Jimmy Kimmel There's an air of mystery around the Masons, but the reality is that they're mostly a bunch of veterans getting drunk in a lodge that they've built to look like a temple. It's just a bunch of guys trying to get away from their wives.
Tracy Morgan I can't watch American Idol... it's like karaoke without the booze.
Abraham Lincoln If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
David Letterman Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
Will Rogers Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else.
Dave Letterman Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone.
Ogden Nash Candy- Is dandy - But liquor - Is quicker
Groucho Marx Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows--marriage does.
Robin Williams See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
George Carlin I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Zenna Schaffer Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him of the entire weekend.
Harry S Truman If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog.
George Bernard Shaw Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.
Dave Letterman USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

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