Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes

George Carlin I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Oscar Wilde I can resist everything except temptation.
Jay Leno How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?
Zenna Schaffer Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him of the entire weekend.
David Letterman Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.
David Letterman Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
David Letterman Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
George Carlin Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
Tracy Morgan I can't watch American Idol... it's like karaoke without the booze.
Abraham Lincoln If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
Quentin Crisp For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel and cook.
Unknown Humor - the perfect relationship of the parts to the whole.
Abraham Lincoln No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.
Mark Twain The report of my death was an exaggeration.
Abraham Lincoln Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle.
Abraham Lincoln If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
George Carlin Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
Robin Williams Comedy is acting out optimism.
Jay Leno The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Dave Letterman USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
Robert Bloch The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Robin Williams See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Frank Zappa Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff.
George Carlin When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
David Letterman Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.

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