Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes

Jay Leno How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?
David Letterman Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
Dave Chappelle You know you must be doing something right if old people like you
Mark Twain The report of my death was an exaggeration.
Tracy Morgan I can't watch American Idol... it's like karaoke without the booze.
Unknown Humor - the perfect relationship of the parts to the whole.
George Carlin Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
Ogden Nash Candy- Is dandy - But liquor - Is quicker
Harry S Truman If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog.
Will Rogers Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else.
Dave Letterman Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone.
Abraham Lincoln It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.
Jay Leno The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Guy Davenport Sometimes when reading Goethe I have a paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
Madonna Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
George Carlin When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Abraham Lincoln No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.
Robin Williams See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Groucho Marx Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows--marriage does.
Abraham Lincoln Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle.
Space Ghost People judge you not by the size of your feet, but by whether your socks match.
David Letterman Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.
Jimmy Kimmel There's an air of mystery around the Masons, but the reality is that they're mostly a bunch of veterans getting drunk in a lodge that they've built to look like a temple. It's just a bunch of guys trying to get away from their wives.
Abraham Lincoln If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
George Carlin Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

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