Woody Allen

Woody Allen

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought---particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

I am at two with nature.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Whosoever loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead- not sick, not wounded - dead.

More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to utter hopelessness and despair, the other to total extinction. Let us hope we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

For the first year of marriage I had basically a bad attitude. I tended to place my wife underneath a pedestal

We were married by a reformed rabbi in Long Island. A very reformed rabbi. A Nazi.

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.

Is sex dirty? Only if you do it right.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded: dead.

Eternity is a long time, especially towards the end.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

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