Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.

I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I have nothing but confidence in you. And very little of that.

You are only as old as the woman you feel.

Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows--marriage does.

I like my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

I aughta join a club and beat you over the head with it.

If i cannot smoke in heaven, then i shall not go.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.