George Carlin

George Carlin

Life.....is a series of dogs.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Keep thy religion to thyself.

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, \You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I?m just not close enough to get the job done.\""

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

Hobbies cost money but interests are free.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.