Fred Allen

Fred Allen

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

[Television is] the triumph of machine over people.

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars.

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

Do we really deserve top billing?

An income tax form is like a laundry list -- either way you lose your shirt.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission.

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.

My hometown was so dull that one time the tide went out and never came back.

California is a fine place to live--if you happen to be an orange.

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

Committee--a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.