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Quotes: funny

Abraham Lincoln  It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.  
Abraham Lincoln  If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?  
Abraham Lincoln  No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.  
Abraham Lincoln  If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.  
Abraham Lincoln  Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle.  
Dave Chappelle  You know you must be doing something right if old people like you  
Dave Letterman  USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of  [read rest of quote]
Dave Letterman  Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone.  
David Letterman  Fine art and pizza delivery, what we do falls neatly in between!  
David Letterman  Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.  
David Letterman  Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.  
David Letterman  Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.  
David Letterman  Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.  
Demetri Martin   Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal  
Frank Zappa  Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff.  
George Bernard Shaw  Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people la  [read rest of quote]
George Carlin  I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what   [read rest of quote]
George Carlin  When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the  [read rest of quote]
George Carlin  Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year t  [read rest of quote]
George Carlin  The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "Y  [read rest of quote]
George Carlin  Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning  [read rest of quote]
Groucho Marx  Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows--marriage does.  
Guy Davenport  Sometimes when reading Goethe I have a paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.  
Harry S. Truman  If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog.  
Jay Leno  The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.  
Jay Leno  Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Tea  [read rest of quote]
Jay Leno  How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?  
Jay Leno  A Minneapolis company has come out with a credit card size shotgun that fits in your wallet. The inv  [read rest of quote]
Jimmy Kimmel  There's an air of mystery around the Masons, but the reality is that they're mostly a bunch of veter  [read rest of quote]
Madonna  Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.  
Mark Twain  The report of my death was an exaggeration.  
Ogden Nash  Nietsche is Pietsche."  
Ogden Nash  Candy- Is dandy - But liquor - Is quicker  
Oscar Wilde  I can resist everything except temptation.  
P. G. Wodehouse  Has anybody ever seen a drama critic in the daytime? Of course not. They come out after dark, up to   [read rest of quote]
Quentin Crisp  For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel and cook.  
Robert Bloch  The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.  
Robin Williams  See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a t  [read rest of quote]
Robin Williams  Time is the best teacher, but unfortunately, it kills all of its students.  
Robin Williams  Comedy is acting out optimism.  
Rodney Dangerfield  I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people  
Space Ghost  People judge you not by the size of your feet, but by whether your socks match.  
Tracy Morgan  I can't watch American Idol... it's like karaoke without the booze.  
Unknown  Humor - the perfect relationship of the parts to the whole.  
Will Rogers  Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else.  
Will Rogers  Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there  
Zenna Schaffer  Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him of the  [read rest of quote]
Zeno  The reason we have two ears and only one mouth, is that we may hear more and speak less.