| funny | |
| Abraham Lincoln | It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues. |
| Abraham Lincoln | If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? |
| Abraham Lincoln | No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens. |
| Abraham Lincoln | If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. |
| Abraham Lincoln | Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle. |
| Dave Chappelle | You know you must be doing something right if old people like you |
| Dave Letterman | USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of [read rest of quote] |
| Dave Letterman | Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone. |
| David Letterman | Fine art and pizza delivery, what we do falls neatly in between! |
| David Letterman | Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television. |
| David Letterman | Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving. |
| David Letterman | Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. |
| David Letterman | Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees. |
| Demetri Martin | Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal |
| Frank Zappa | Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff. |
| George Bernard Shaw | Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people la [read rest of quote] |
| George Carlin | I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what [read rest of quote] |
| George Carlin | When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the [read rest of quote] |
| George Carlin | Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year t [read rest of quote] |
| George Carlin | The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "Y [read rest of quote] |
| George Carlin | Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning [read rest of quote] |
| Groucho Marx | Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows--marriage does. |
| Guy Davenport | Sometimes when reading Goethe I have a paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny. |
| Harry S. Truman | If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog. |
| Jay Leno | The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. |
| Jay Leno | Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Tea [read rest of quote] |
| Jay Leno | How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak? |
| Jay Leno | A Minneapolis company has come out with a credit card size shotgun that fits in your wallet. The inv [read rest of quote] |
| Jimmy Kimmel | There's an air of mystery around the Masons, but the reality is that they're mostly a bunch of veter [read rest of quote] |
| Madonna | Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn. |
| Mark Twain | The report of my death was an exaggeration. |
| Ogden Nash | Nietsche is Pietsche." |
| Ogden Nash | Candy- Is dandy - But liquor - Is quicker |
| Oscar Wilde | I can resist everything except temptation. |
| P. G. Wodehouse | Has anybody ever seen a drama critic in the daytime? Of course not. They come out after dark, up to [read rest of quote] |
| Robert Bloch | The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. |
| Robin Williams | See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a t [read rest of quote] |
| Robin Williams | Time is the best teacher, but unfortunately, it kills all of its students. |
| Robin Williams | Comedy is acting out optimism. |
| Rodney Dangerfield | I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people |
| Space Ghost | People judge you not by the size of your feet, but by whether your socks match. |
| Tracy Morgan | I can't watch American Idol... it's like karaoke without the booze. |
| Unknown | Humor - the perfect relationship of the parts to the whole. |
| Victor Borge | Laughter is the closest distance between two people. |
| Will Rogers | Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else. |
| Will Rogers | Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there |
| Zenna Schaffer | Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him of the [read rest of quote] |
| Zeno | The reason we have two ears and only one mouth, is that we may hear more and speak less. |
