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Abraham Lincoln
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It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues. |
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Abraham Lincoln
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If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? |
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Abraham Lincoln
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No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens. |
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Abraham Lincoln
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If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. |
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Abraham Lincoln
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Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle. |
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Dave Chappelle
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You know you must be doing something right if old people like you |
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Dave Letterman
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USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of [read rest of quote] |
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Dave Letterman
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Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone. |
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David Letterman
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Fine art and pizza delivery, what we do falls neatly in between! |
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David Letterman
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Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television. |
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David Letterman
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Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving. |
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David Letterman
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Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. |
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David Letterman
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Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees. |
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Demetri Martin
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Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal |
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Frank Zappa
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Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff. |
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George Bernard Shaw
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Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people la [read rest of quote] |
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George Carlin
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I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what [read rest of quote] |
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George Carlin
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When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the [read rest of quote] |
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George Carlin
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Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year t [read rest of quote] |
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George Carlin
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The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "Y [read rest of quote] |
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George Carlin
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning [read rest of quote] |
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Groucho Marx
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Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows--marriage does. |
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Guy Davenport
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Sometimes when reading Goethe I have a paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny. |
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Harry S. Truman
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If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog. |
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Jay Leno
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The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. |
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Jay Leno
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Tea [read rest of quote] |
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Jay Leno
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How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak? |
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Jay Leno
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A Minneapolis company has come out with a credit card size shotgun that fits in your wallet. The inv [read rest of quote] |
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Jimmy Kimmel
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There's an air of mystery around the Masons, but the reality is that they're mostly a bunch of veter [read rest of quote] |
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Madonna
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Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn. |
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Mark Twain
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The report of my death was an exaggeration. |
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Ogden Nash
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Nietsche is Pietsche." |
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Ogden Nash
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Candy- Is dandy - But liquor - Is quicker |
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Oscar Wilde
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I can resist everything except temptation. |
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P. G. Wodehouse
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Has anybody ever seen a drama critic in the daytime? Of course not. They come out after dark, up to [read rest of quote] |
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Quentin Crisp
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For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel and cook. |
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Robert Bloch
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The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. |
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Robin Williams
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See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a t [read rest of quote] |
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Robin Williams
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Time is the best teacher, but unfortunately, it kills all of its students. |
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Robin Williams
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Comedy is acting out optimism. |
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Rodney Dangerfield
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I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people |
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Space Ghost
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People judge you not by the size of your feet, but by whether your socks match. |
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Tracy Morgan
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I can't watch American Idol... it's like karaoke without the booze. |
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Unknown
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Humor - the perfect relationship of the parts to the whole. |
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Will Rogers
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Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else. |
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Will Rogers
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Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there |
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Zenna Schaffer
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Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him of the [read rest of quote] |
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Zeno
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The reason we have two ears and only one mouth, is that we may hear more and speak less. |