Steven Wright

Steven Wright

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect.

I have an existential map. It has \You are here\" written all over it."

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

I have the worlds largest seashell collection. You may have seen it, I keep it spread out on beaches all over the world.

When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.

They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Every now and then I like to lean out my window, look up and smile for a satellite picture.

Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

My girlfriend sleeps in a queen-sized bed and I sleep in a court jester-sized bed.

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!

I went to a restaurant that serves \breakfast at any time\". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."

I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.